“Best Sunday brunch near, but NOT on the Square. Go! Thanks hive!”

Yesterday I saw this post on the Marietta City Neighborhood Group’s Facebook page, and I didn’t even lift my finger to respond.

Not because I lack thoughts on the topic, but because there’s no credible answer I can give you.

Disdained by Bourdain, brunch is neither breakfast or lunch. It’s something else. It is the ideal meal for nursing a hangover while regaling stories from the night before. It is the reward you give your family after sitting still in the church pews for an hour.

As much as restaurant servers hate to work it, we patrons love to attend it. Few things in life inspire such joy and dread in equal measure.

But because brunch is so highly revered, it’s doubly a disappointment when it’s not executed according to standards.

In my opinion, brunch must—at the minimum!—deliver the following:

✔️ Decent coffee
✔️ Cold mimosas
✔️ Spicy bloody mary
✔️ Eggs more than one way

Bonus points may be awarded for: fresh fruit, fresh flowers, bread service, outdoor seating, table linens and restriction-friendly menu items. Hollandaise not required but always appreciated.

Here in Marietta, we have several exceptional places to get breakfast. If you’re hankering for diner-style vittles, head to the Red Eyed Mule. Order the rosemary-brined chicken and waffles or the corn beef hash. Decide you’d rather die early than live another 50 years without biscuits.

But brunch? Prepare for compromises.

The cafe with the most exquisite pastries does their poached eggs in a microwave, so I hope you like runny whites. The hole-in-the-wall with the most delicious food serves flights of novelty coffee—pretty on Instagram but barely palatable.

You can get a brunch-like meal at Good Kitchen or Sugar Cakes but neither has a full bar.

One spot offering brunch on the Square has an over-the-top cocktail setup, but their kitchen is so consistently disappointing, I wouldn’t risk sending you there for anything more than a martini.

When you look around, there are only two downtown mainstays that check the essential brunch boxes: Mac’s Chophouse and Douceur de France.

And while I’d gladly meet you for brunch at either of these establishments, I wouldn’t recommend either without some caveats.

At the French bakery, the issue is chaotic operations. I don’t know how they do it, but ever since this cafe opened, across 26 years and multiple owners, they always seem to be both over-staffed and barely functioning.

If you can find a spot in the parking lot, head in through the door on the right, put your name on the list, and plop down for a wait. Do not get in the line on the left unless you want to be stuck standing behind people temporarily removed from space and time as they try to decide between eclairs and macarons. That queue is takeout only.

Once you get seated, don’t be alarmed if your food comes out before your drinks. Avoid the soggy Monte Cristo. The salmon benedict, quiche and ratatouille with eggs are all safe bets.

Be sure to get a side of hashbrowns which are served French-style, a disk of potatoes and chives with a golden crust. Ask your server to grab you a loaf of sourdough and a few croissants to-go. Leave happy.

Then there’s Mac’s. What is there to say about Mac’s?

If I’m in the mood for Mac’s, I have a good time at Mac’s. You’re basically eating whatever’s leftover from Saturday night date night. Which means everything is a little too salty, a little too rich, and a little pricier than it has any right to be.

If it’s not 100 degrees outside, try to get a table on the sidewalk where you’ll be endlessly entertained by an unofficial parade of cute dogs and babies. If it is 100 degrees outside, a white tablecloth setting upstairs gives you a pleasant view of the streets below.

Service is attentive. Portions are generous.

Skip the starters. The complimentary fruit salad with melon and pineapple is better for cutting through the fat. Sweet-corn grits come served with orange shredded cheese in an oval bowl that’s deep enough to swim in. The crab cakes benny is a classic choice, even if the English muffins are inexplicably cut in the wrong direction.

There’s nothing wrong with brunch at Mac’s. But sitting there, skimming cinnamon ice cream off the top of a Pearson peaches galette, feeling the demerara sugar crack under your spoon, you may find yourself deciding it’s just too early in the day for Sinatra.

Which is why, I think, we’re seeing so much enthusiasm around the Two Birds tease for “brunch coming soon.” Two Birds is a bar that happens to serve good food. Occasionally experimental, the menu is usually more wins than misses, and their pizza is some of the best in town.

It’s not hard to imagine their kitchen making the leap from shrimp tacos and queso to shrimp and grits or breakfast burritos. If Two Birds can get their hands on a respectable vat of cold brew, we’ll have a new contender to recommend on the Square.

Going back to the OP’s question, “near, but NOT on the Square,” one has to wonder, “What counts as near?”

Because the truth is: the best brunch in Marietta is actually in East Cobb.

Tucked in the back corner of a crowded strip mall parking lot, down from Ulta and across from Kohl’s, there’s a restaurant called Seed that checks all the boxes on my brunch scorecard.

Good coffee. Good wine. Great cocktail program. Deviled eggs. Poached eggs. Hollandaise. Cornbread, sourdough and biscuits. Seasonal salads that reach beyond a simple Caesar. Fresh fruit.

Plus, tables big enough for a crowd in an airy atmosphere that’s bright and artful, not too quiet or stuffy.

We’ve ventured out to Seed about once a year since it opened and it seems to be consistent. My only complaint about Seed is I can’t walk home when we leave.

The neighborhood group members seem to agree.

When somebody suggested “Seed!” in the replies, it was quickly clarified, “8 miles, 20 minutes away, YMMV.” Your mileage may vary.